My current head space isn’t horrible at the moment but I am acutely aware I can be triggered at any time. It feels like I am riding a roller coaster and roller coasters normally make me sick. The triggers can come from anywhere: family issues; general life issues; an ache in my back; lack of sleep; or over thinking something minor. I’ll be honest though, there are quite a few triggers at the moment.
Now that my foot is numb again and the back pain has returned, it’s hard not to catastrophise the issue in my head. I was feeling on top of the world until that point. I had so many opportunities to look forward to with my running and at work. It’s now all up in the air again at 33 years old.
Even before I developed my numb foot last week I was riding the highs and lows of depression and anxiety. Some days good, some days bad and so many more in the middle somewhere.
The thing with depression and anxiety is, there’s sometimes no external reason for the low mood. There’s absolutely nothing of significance that will trigger the feeling of worthlessness. For me, I have a loving wife, amazing kids, a great job and a great life. To everyone around me there’s no obvious reason for me to feel so low. But sometimes it’s the little things: I said something slightly off that could have been taken the wrong way; I didn’t get through my to do list; I lost my cool with the kids; got snappy with my wife or colleagues. It doesn’t have to be a major event that causes a low mood or anxiety.
The important thing for me to understand and keep in the back of my mind is that I can ride that low mood out and start to feel better again. Sometimes it just takes time, sometimes I use my safety plan and do something enjoyable for me, like running and listening to podcasts or music. Although it’s going to be hard with running on hold again for a little while.
The roller coaster can get a bit nauseating at times, just like the real ones for me. My emotions and mood going up and down is frustrating. Some days I don’t know what to expect. Just as I’m feeling good something small can trigger a low mood and I start to over think things again.
Yesterday I was feeling great, had lovely patients and actually got to help people. I even used some paramedic skills 😲. As the afternoon started to creep in I got tired and all of a sudden I was descending into a low mood. Still providing good patient care but quite snappy and just wanted to stay in my little bubble.
I feel I become a bit monotone when treating and talking to people when my mood is low. While I still do my job to the best of my ability, it’s generally only the bare minimum. I had done so well all day and then my poor partner had to put up with ‘downer Jason’. There was no real trigger for this other than being a bit tired.
This morning is much better though. The kids have been great fun being silly and cheeky but it’s always in the back of my head that at any point I could hit a low point. As I sit here in the doctors surgery to follow up on my numb foot, I am nervous the decision will cause me to spiral. Luckily I have some insight at the moment and can hopefully put in place my coping mechanisms.
If your riding the roller coaster like I am, just know you’re not alone. Reach out to people when you’re ready and use your coping mechanisms.
If you notice a friend or colleague riding that roller coaster, reach out to them and ask if they’re ok. Reassure them they can ride out the lows and if you have the ability and time, be there for them.
