“I don’t think I’ll go, I don’t really enjoy socialising outside of work”.
This is something I have found myself admitting to colleagues recently. It’s something I’ve always felt but never had the capacity or confidence to admit.
People might find this strange considering how much I can talk but I spend my time socialising figuring out the people around me and working out strategies to interact with them. It’s tiring. How do I fit in to this group of people?
When I was a teenager it was a difficult task. How could I behave like a normal teenager instead of spewing out all my knowledge of the show MASH or Hogans Hero’s or any other special interest at the time. My brothers gave me enough grief over the need to watch these shows so I knew my friends would too.
I was also quite risk averse so I didn’t always do what my friends did or I voiced my objections regularly. I found comfort in most rules and thought I understood the importance of them. It certainly made me feel like I was on the outer at times. I was generally referred to as the ‘dad’ of the group. Adults always told me I was mature for my age. I didn’t understand why, I was just having conversations about interesting topics and not doing the same things my older brothers did as teenagers. I felt more comfortable around adults over kids my own age.
I seemed to have so many ‘friends’ in high school but still struggled with belonging. I felt like a chameleon, changing my personality traits to suit the various groups I hung out with. This also made me easily influenced so I could fit in. At times I felt used by others in high school because I was so trusting of my ‘friends’. I look back at it now and have many regrets about conversations, arguments or the way I’ve treated people to try and fit in. It’s something I’ve come to terms with now and continue to change and evolve. I’ll leave toxic masculinity for another day.
My whole life I have planned my interactions with people. In my head I will play out the different conversations I could have before going out so I wasn’t blind sided by something I felt awkward or anxious about. I struggle with small talk, I can do it briefly but I can never seem to feel comfortable talking about random things I have no interest it. I can generally fake interest though after years of practice. I have a habit to look up information about topics I know will be raised.
I also still feel uncomfortable when someone thanks me for my service as a paramedic. It takes me by surprise and don’t know how a ‘normal’ person would react. The way I see my job is simply someone who has been trained to do something and I hopefully do it well. Bugger being abused while in retail or hospitality. There’s no way I could do that job.
I have had the bear bones of this blog written for months but have never seemed to be able to finish it. The past month though has seen me set boundaries around socialising. I have been saying “no” to different events or accepting the invitation but with caveats.
These boundaries are my own though. I have set them for myself to enforce because they are only for me. These boundaries are only effective though if I can identify my anxiety or my emotion leading up to the event. Last night I didn’t end up going to a social work event because I was feeling to anxious. Anxious about drinking too much, anxious about having to ‘switch on’ to interact with people and anxious about having a late night then having to start work at 6am the next day. I know once I’m drinking I generally don’t stop because it allows me to be more social so it’s generally a late night.
A few weeks ago I was also supposed to attend a NSW Ambulance summit. I decided I was feeling a lot of anxiety the day before and it took me a while to realise this was why. Once I had made the decision not to go I was settled. I knew I didn’t have to switch on my ‘Ambulance corporate’ mode. I didn’t have to be careful about what I say and do. The difference between this and my normal work is that I know what to expect on road, I can communicate effectively for the short time I’m with patients. I can recycle the same bad jokes and same small talk topics. At the summit I would’ve had to make small talk at my table and then again during the breaks.
It has taken a lot of work to set these boundaries and also realise socialising isn’t what makes you a good friend/person nor changes how others see you. It involved work I have done within myself, with my psychologist and with my incredible wife. Being honest with myself and others has been empowering. I am now comfortable telling people I’m feeling too anxious to attend something. I remind some people it’s not them making me anxious, it’s my anxiety and socialising in general. I am willing to admit I socialise enough at work and I need my days off to recover from that. I need to run so I can clear my head. It’s why I prefer to run by myself most days.
So if you’re feeling anxious about a simple event, be kind to yourself and remember it’s ok to say no if you’re not feeling up to it. Just remember to be honest with yourself and that in turn will help you be honest with your loved ones. Sometimes you’ll have to push yourself to attend if it’s important but don’t stress the small stuff.
