I’ve started writing this towards the end of a night shift and finished writing the day before I returned to work.
In November 2023 I attempted to return to work after my partner was assaulted and it did’t go very well. I spent 2 shifts with tremors, palpitations, chest pain and a level of anxiety/fear I had never experienced. After the second shift I got home and told my wife how I was feeling and I remember her saying:
“Jase, I don’t think you should go back to work tomorrow. I think you need some time off.”
1 year later and I’m finally returning to full duties.
This post is more about my first block of shifts back full time after 12 months on light duties rather than my time off and treatment. I do want to acknowledge the amazing support around me that got me to this point though. I want to make a special shout out to Laura and Tash. They put up with me doing my ride alongs the most and while we sheepishly called it the ‘party bus’, it definitely was. We had a ball and thanks to them I became comfortable at work again.
The day before my first day back (Monday)
Well, this was a shit day. Although, Freddie (4.5y/o son) had a ball on his iPad. I struggled to get to sleep the night before and I remember waking up relatively early. I was already on edge as our daughters school refusal hits harder on Mondays. I was as calm as I possibly could be as I dropped off my daughter at school and then went to a cafe for coffee and breakfast.
Sitting down at the cafe with Freddie I was in flight or fight mode. My tremors returned, I had chest pain and the palpitations were pretty damn consistent. And that describes my day. I couldn’t get anything done and there was this fog all around me. I remember getting Freddie to repeat things all the time because I just couldn’t concentrate. By the afternoon I was exhausted without even doing much. So you think I could sleep properly Monday night?
Not a chance.
The Return
After Monday I was expecting the worst. I figured, if yesterday was that bad, then my first dayshift was surely going to be absolutely horrible. Right?
I woke up pretty early, keen for the day…. or nervous. With only a little bit of anxiety as I wipe the sleep from my eyes. I get dressed, pack my lunch, get in the car and hope for a good day. There were some palpitations on the way in so I tried to do some deep breathing exercises and remind myself I was going to be ok.
Walking through the roller door for some reason most of my anxiety just disappeared. I saw my work partner Abbi and asked if I could treat for my first day to ‘rip the bandaid off’. I signed out my medications and off we went…… for coffee first of course
The first block of shifts were surprisingly amazing. They were completely different to what I had in my head. Even with some very complex cases and administering medications I haven’t given in years, I had fun. It’s mostly thanks to the amazing support from my colleagues.
I must admit, I couldn’t make it through my first block without taking some carers leave but that was out of my control. So I can’t say I’ve completed my first full block of shifts.
Nightshift
I felt alright about working nightshift but my worry came afterwards. I was worried about the unknown recovery time required after a nightshift.
My fear was right.
The shift itself was perfectly ok. It was busy but we weren’t flogged. We managed to get some short breaks and even finish on time!
I managed to get to sleep pretty quickly after the shift and woke up in the early afternoon. Afterwards I stupidly layed back down in bed doom scrolling and fell asleep again.
I woke up to have dinner and then……. went back to bed and slept till 8-9am. I was exhausted. I’m not sure if I was exhausted purely from nightshift or whether I spent a lot of my energy masking my PTSD symptoms throughout my shifts. It’s always harder when tired.
I’ve been quite anxious and depressed this set of days off and I do need to figure out how to manage my sleep, diet, running and family life.
I’m on my final day off now leading into another block of shifts. I’m nervous. Not about the shifts themselves, but my recovery again. I need to find what works for me in a post PTSD world with the real threat of relapse if I don’t do some self care.
I’m very thankful for the tools the Traumatic Stress Clinic has taught me to manage any lapse in symptoms.
As always, reach out if you need help. I hope my story can help break the stigma and allow others to be vulnerable and honest with their trusted people. This will make seeking help so much easier.
