I recently started a 10-12 week intensive PTSD treatment program which gives me both anxiety and hope. The issue now is the expected low mood for a few days after a session.

I’ve been noticing a change in my mood and motivation for days after. This is to be expected and the clinician outlined everything at start. It’s hit me a lot harder than I thought though.

My sessions are on a Thursday, I head in feeling quite nervous but also excited to see what we do in that session. The session ends and I go home, pick up the kids and do the normal life stuff. I wake up the next morning and just feel really low. My motivation to do anything has disappeared, my fuse is more short than normal and I struggle to regulate my emotions around the kids. This obviously doesn’t help with the morning routine.

I plan to do so much on the Friday because both kids are at daycare/school. The most important thing for me to do is a long run on the Fridays. But it’s bloody hard.

I don’t mind sitting in the low moods. It’s something I’ve become comfortable with over the years. I know they’ll pass and I can manage them and my intrusive thoughts. It’s the inability to get out and run that frustrates me the most.

I’m now in my build phase of training for Ultra Trail Australia 100km run and I’m struggling to increase my training load. After my session on the Thursday, I’m low until roughly Saturday or Sunday. This only leaves a few days to actually run before my next session. My biggest fear at the moment is that my training is going to lapse and I’ll have another DNF this year.

My biggest running goal is to complete the 100km ultra. Every year leading up to any event my mental health has taken a tumble and my training has then lapsed. I still attempt the run but I walk almost all of it or, like last years 100km ultras, I withdraw from the race and don’t finish. I want to succeed in my fitness goals this year but my mind is paying the usual trick.

Running last night was bloody hard. It was only 7km and it turned out I ran a half decent time for me. But I couldn’t control my breath and therefore I couldn’t control my intrusive thoughts. If running isn’t going to be enjoyable for me, or the outlet I need it to be, then why should I bother?

Deep down I know I can do it. I’ve been building my fitness well recently. I’ve been consistent and motivated. It’s just hard to feel like that motivation is waining again and I’m falling into the same habits I always do. I also know I can compete 100km ultra if I allow myself to. My mind just needs to stop playing its usual game. I think the other hard part is knowing the PTSD treatment program is going to get tougher. So will my lack of motivation and low moods get worse before they get better.

The program is scheduled to end just before UTA so I’m going to work as hard as I can to ensure I am motivated and I can finish my first 100k ultra this year.